Joe Miller's Jests



A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. Paul’s, asked, whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea?


Fabricius the Roman Consul, shew’d a great Nobleness of Mind, when the Physician of King Pyrrhus made him a Proposal to poison his Master, by sending the Physician back to Pyrrhus with these Words; Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy Friends and of thy Foes.


A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother’s extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when he designed to leave off Gaming; when you cease Loving, said he; then reply’d the Lady, you are like to continue a Gamester as long as you live.


A Soldier was bragging before Julius Caesar, of the Wounds he had received in his Face; Caesar, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, how he look’d back.


The Trojans sending Ambassadors to condole with Tiberius upon the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus, it was so long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was likewise sorry that they had lost so valiant a Knight as Hector, who was slain above a thousand Years before.


A Braggadochio chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so much to talk of, it is got, said he, all into my Heels.


Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of Poets, why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in Prose.


A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober People, desired leave to toast the Devil; the Gentleman who sat next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship’s Friends.


A Scotsman was very angry with an English Gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him false Scot; indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such Thing, but that you were a true Scot.

<< 131-140    151-160 >>

The End As I Know It: A Novel of Millennial Anxiety, by proprietor Kevin Shay, is now available in paperback.

Please visit for more information.