Modern Street Ballads


One Sunday I went out, and as I walk’d up Holborn Hill,
(I like to be particular,) the streets were very muddy,
When just about the half way up, quite shock’d I stood stock still;
A lady slipt down flop before me, fat and plump, and ruddy.
      She was in the kennel sprawling,
      To me for assistance calling,
      Quick was I pulling, hauling;
            She did wish to shun day.
      The mud had spoiled her Sunday dressing,
      “Dear,” she said, “’tis quite distressing.
      Lawk! I am a pretty mess in;
            Look,” said Mrs. Monday.

As soon as she recover’d, she return’d her thanks so free,
And in my ears no voice was e’er so sweet, tho’ she did tumble;
She said, that when she started, she was going out to tea,
But stopt by this unfortunate and unlucky tumble.
      Mobs of people now surrounded,
      She and me were both confounded;
      Low lived jokes and jeers abounded,
            Tho’ it was a Sunday.
      Heeding not their taunts and titters,
      I ask’d her if my taste would fit her’s.
      Would she have some brandy-bitters,
            “I will,” said Mrs. Monday.

We both went in to Thompson’s then, and had a glass a piece,
The people still were grinning all, to see her clothes so dirty;
Her face with perspiration look’d, as if ‘twere dipp’d in grease;
Her age was, I suppose, about some two or three and thirty.
      Her face look’d just like one that’s muddled,
      Clothes on her were completely huddled,
      All at once she got quite fuddled;
            Shocking for a Sunday!
      Thank’d me for my being so handy,
      Declar’d that I was quite the dandy,
      Drank three glasses more of brandy;
            Shocking! Mrs. Monday.

What was I to do? egad! I could not get away,
She stuck to me as tight as wax and liquor drank the faster;
And every glass she swallow’d down, she call’d on me to pay,
And then compell’d to see her home, safe out of her disaster.
      Thro’ the streets by jeers saluted,
      Mob at every step recruited,
      While they halloo’d, laugh’d, and hooted,
            Shocking! for a Sunday;
      Ev’ry step made mis’ry double,
      Took her home through every hubble,
      And got, for all my care and trouble,
            Blow’d up by Mr. Monday.

<< He was Such a Nice Young Man   All to Astonish the Browns >>

The End As I Know It: A Novel of Millennial Anxiety, by proprietor Kevin Shay, is now available in paperback.

Please visit for more information.